ambienti

Guys I'm so sorry all my journals are pieces of crap :c but today was awful. My best friend has been ignoring me all week and I told her that I felt ignored, and she got defensive, telling me to 'stop being such a girl' and 'at least i made an effort to come talk to you' i guess that's all i am to her, an effort. And then I have to go and drag my other friend into this, complaining all day and even though he says it's fine i still feel bad bc he has felt like crap all day and didn't tell me and I'd just been ranting and crying to him all day and now i feel like a loser who should just go fall in a ditch. 
I want to hang out with both of them, but he feels gross and she is kinda iffy on the whole mad-not-mad thing so idk what to do maybe just be alone again haha 
Anyways I'm still really sorry i was gone for so long and that i'm so emo all the time :c 

Having four panic attacks in less than thirty-six hours is not ideal. The cause of one yesterday was a suicide mention. I was talking with my friend and our conversation went like this:
Me: Maybe if i die before tomorrow i wont have to go to school
Him: But you can't die. 
Why?
Because then you would be dead and myself and countless other people would be sad. 
I know. That's why i'm not dead. 
That better not be the only reason. 
So don't die. 
I'm too weak to kill myself so don't worry
Stop it

I brought it on myself, I shouldn't have said that. I made myself panic, I can tell I made him worry. I had already asked him for help when I was having another panic attack earlier that day and he was obviously worried. Then adding suicide into the mixture didn't really help. 
I was having an awful day before that. I had to do a ton of homework, the cause of the earlier attack, and I had stayed up late trying to calm down from another attack, so I was tired and moody and sick and anxious and depressed. And even trying to get dressed was hard because I felt I was ugly in everything I wore, that I didn't have anything cute to wear. So I threw something on and went upstairs and used my mom's make up, not having any of my own. I covered all the blemishes, did my hair, did my eyes and lips, covering up everything I hate about my face. 
I was still really bad and moving it seemed in slow motion, but I couldn't let my family see that. My mom doesn't react well when she hears I'm not having a good day. and that in turn leads to me feeling worse, so I just don't say anything and it works out, I just use the "I'm just tired" excuse. Yeah i'm tired. The kind of tired sleep can't fix. Tired of everything. Tired of trying. Tired of living. Tired of feeling like this. 

Well it started out as a good day, sort of. But now   please kill me. I hate thinking the way I do. I'm not pretty. I'm so ugly. My acne wouldn't be so bad if it didn't piCK at my face all the time. My make up would stay on if I kept my hands away from my eyes. My hair would look good if I stopped running my hands through it. For someone who knows they're ugly, I sure do have a lot of bad nervous habits that make myself look and feel worse. And I try so hard not to drag Aidan down to hell with me, but I can't. I need someone to support me always because I'm weak. He doesn't know how to help me or what to say yet time after time I drag him down. I apologize as much as I can but sorry has become redundant and meaningless. I try to tell my other friends, but no one takes me seriously. They say they love me and try to comfort me as best as they can but they don't understand why I feel like this. I have thought of death, but I haven't thought of suicide because I don't want to think about what that would do to the people that love me. I just don't know what to do. 

Man I feel bad only posting sad journals but idk how else to vent I don't always want to pile all my stuff on my go-to guy he says it's fine but I don't think it is.
I just feel so bad rn, as I have for a long time. I think it's getting worse. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my negative emotions, but I have said some bad things about myself in the past week, to which my friends have responded against them, but I don't believe them. I keep thinking about stupid things I've done, like they matter now or people still remember that I did them. I'm the only who cares really about that. 
And it's hard wanting to talk to people and hang out with them when you remember that no one likes you. I have three friends that i talk to. three. And all three of them are my best friends because I can't talk to anyone else so I get clingy and needy. I really hate talking about my feelings so when they ask me if something is wrong in person I won't answer, or answer sarcastically because pssh feelings, but I will gladly vent over text and I don't know why that is and every time I do it I feel like an attention whore. So since these feelings are present I apologize, even in the wrong context. I'll say sorry in every text, and it becomes redundant and meaningless and repetitive. And I hate that. 
I haven't gotten to hang out with 1/3 of my best friends because I'm coming home every night at 10 and I've been so busy and sick and sad. So when I asked today, the one day I could, she said she couldn't. So I snapped at her, not meaning to and then she thought I was mad at her. I apologized, saying it was my fault to which she replied "no it wasn't all your fault." no it wasn't all my fault but some or most of it was. I could've asked earlier, either in the week or today. I didn't have to join the play, which is causing my busy-ness. i could just be a different person and stop acting like a little annoying child who needs human contact at all times to feel content. 
Sorry for only posting sad journals.  

So many things are broken. I'm broken, but more importantly my iPod is. I upload my drawings onto my computer from there, so this means you might not see my deviations for a bit. I asked my mom for a new one but she told me to get a job, even though I'm not really old enough. So, sorry and bye for a bit.